By Rebecca Drew
THIS WOMAN got hooked on HEROIN at just FIFTEEN and would do anything to get her fix, even if it meant PRISON – but she’s now celebrating EIGHT YEARS CLEAN and says that falling pregnant saved her life.
Leasing agent, Ashleigh Rayl (28) from Woodhaven, USA, grew up in a loving home with two parents but learning that the man she knew as her father adopted her at the age of two, she started to struggle with abandonment issues as she realised that people aren’t constant and could leave her life at any time.
This caused Ashleigh to push her relationship with her parents to the limit as a way to test if they would leave her, but they didn’t and gave her unconditional love nonetheless. When she was eight years old, Ashleigh was molested by a basketball coach at her school which left her traumatised and she hated herself as she experienced vivid nightmares each night.
As a teenager Ashleigh caused fights with those close to her as a means to keep herself distracted and when she was 14, she experimented with drugs such as marijuana, ecstasy, alcohol and cocaine for the very first time. Dating someone five years older than her, Ashleigh’s life spiralled when she first tried heroin at 15.
Heroin finally allowed her to feel at peace with herself and enabled her to feel a happiness she had never felt before. She started injecting at 16 and her parents supported her through high school by putting her into a rehab facility and remarkably Ashleigh managed to graduate in 2009 whist addicted and still using heroin.
After graduating from high school, Ashleigh moved in with the boyfriend who introduced her to heroin and for three years would do anything from stealing, selling heroin and cocaine, dancing and manipulating people, to get her fix so that she could experience the euphoric high she did when she was using.
Ashleigh tried to get clean countless times by moving back into her parents’ house but would always end up relapsing as she couldn’t handle the guilt of her addiction and the reality of the pain she had inflicted on her loved ones through watching her struggle with addiction.
At 19, Ashleigh met the father of her children, broke up with her drug addict boyfriend and moved back with her parents after cutting ties with everyone in her previous life and became clean through dedication and commitment to a rehabilitation programme.
Two years in she fell pregnant with her son, Jason, and from that moment on vowed never to use heroin again. Now Ashleigh is celebrating eight years of being clean and lives with her son, daughter, Lillian, and her partner at the time.
“I have two loving parents that have been married basically my whole life to this day, one of which is biological and a technical stepfather whom adopted me at the age of two. They told me in early grade school about my adoption when my name was legally changed to my father’s name,” said Ashleigh.
“This was very traumatic for me because it was when my abandonment issues first ignited. It was when I was first introduced to the idea that parents could leave you. That anyone at any time could walk out of your life forever and leave you. This made me feel like anyone or everyone might abandon me.
“I was about eight years old when I was molested by a baseball coach. This was also very traumatic for me. After this experience I started having extremely bad lucid and vivid nightmares. I didn’t know how to process this experience, so I walked in silence. It haunted me and changed me and I lost all love for myself. All innocence. That beautiful innocence you have as a child.
“I was a very challenging teenager; I fought off everyone’s love for me, I was extremely insecure and had a hard time with my identity and personality.
“I started experimenting with drugs at the age of fourteen and continued on a rampage until I found heroin at the age of fifteen with the help of an older boyfriend. I didn’t become an injection user until I was sixteen but was still physically addicted beforehand. That experience was monumental for me because at that point I didn’t even remember when, if I had ever, felt that kind of peace or absence from my pain. It changed everything for me and my entire being.
“By the unconditional love from my parents they fought for me, always putting me in rehabs and even jail when necessary. They fought and managed to help me graduate high school even in my addicted state. Let me tell you spending your entire Junior year in a rehab facility is not something children can process well.
“I learned how to manipulate and learned about all the demons I had inside me sitting with myself for so long without the proper direction or guidance. After graduation I became even worse. Moving in with this boyfriend to go on a full Sid and Nancy ride for the next three years. I’ve stolen, I’ve sold, I’ve danced, and I’ve manipulated for my drugs landing me in the worst possible situations.
“I didn’t care because I got my heroin, and everything was ok for a few minutes. That’s what people don’t tell you about. It’s the first few times you experience the drug and what effect it has on you that traps you. As human beings we strive for happiness.
“To feel those rush of chemicals when we are happy; Heroin chemically alters your brain sending a flood of those chemicals in a few moments into your brain putting you into a relaxed and euphoric state.
“I began only using so I would not be physically sick. It was no longer enjoyable. No longer an escape but a hell I was creating for myself because I was so fearful of what awaited on the other side of that drugged state of mind. Maybe a few seconds of serenity then reality always slaps you in the face, causing many addicts to use more and more with their tolerance.
“Throughout my addiction I tried to stop many times begging to come back home, withdrawing, being sober then relapsing. I could never get through the guilt and regret I felt when I was sober. It was unbearable.”
At the height of her addiction, Ashleigh weighed 7st 2lb and she now weighs a healthy 10st.
Ashleigh shares her story on Instagram under the handle, @ashrayl, and she spoke about how falling pregnant changed her outlook for good.
“It truly takes so much work on yourself to be able to happily live a clean life. Using substances at such a young age severely stunted my mental growth and I had to explore and endure a lot to become a healthy human being again,” she said.
“I was nearly two years sober before I had my first child and became a mother. Forcing me to either deal with my problems right away or suppress them.
“After that baby was made inside of me it was over. The moment I heard that heartbeat it was the sound of a chapter of my life closing forever. Never again would I use. I had no choice. The choice was made for me the second I heard that thump.
“Heroin was no longer an option. Thankfully the father of my child stuck around and helped me. Supporting me all the way into therapy. I was put on medication and it worked for me. Assisting me into being able to work on myself more thoroughly.
“I went to my sessions, I listened to podcasts, I watched documentaries, I reflected, I sat with fear and asked it questions so I could understand it, I worked hard on myself and looked deep down into all the things I kept hidden.
“Doing this I started to understand myself and I learned to forgive and love myself. It was definitely not easy, it took work.”
Ashleigh was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, generalised anxiety depression and sleep paralysis whilst recovering from her addiction and through therapy she has been able to manage her mental health successfully.
Poetry has been a huge coping mechanism for Ashleigh throughout her recovery and she has published two books; Nothing Was A Waste which is all about her struggles through addiction and becoming a new mum and; A Beautiful Difference which is all about living a clean life and struggling with mental illness.
“My biggest message I can give is that we have control. You have to believe that you have control. How you react, what you say, how you respond, what you allow to stick, what you learn, what you put into your body, your power, your self-love. What you chose to believe has an enormous impact on you,” she said.
“Educate yourself as much as you can. Look, find, explore and see. A lot of times the world we surround ourselves with is such a small one in retrospect to the entire world around us. People sometimes forget about the real truth of survival.
“No matter what you go through in your life you got through it. You cried, you broke, you failed, you lost, you screamed but you lived another day. You closed your eyes and woke up again. You won a chance to rebuild. To start again. You made it no matter what happened. You have to remember that you can only make it if you try.
“That’s the only thing we can guarantee in this life full of spontaneity, is the assurance and comforting feeling that we tried our best. That’s the best thing about being human, is that most of us want to grow.”
For more information see www.instagram.com/ashrayl
